Steven Wright Quotations

Steven Wright

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.

A metaphor is like a simile.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time.

Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, 'What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'

Black Holes are where God divided by zero.

Coming back from I crossed over the border...I was asked if had any firearms...I said, "What do you need?"

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.

He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas, I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, 'Steven, time to go to sleep.' I said, 'But I don't know how.' She said, 'It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.' So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said 'I thought I told you to go to sleep.'

I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still ...

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I filled out an application that said, 'In Case Of Emergency Notify'. I wrote 'Doctor'...What's my mother going to do?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other wasn't doing what I was doing.

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information" I said, "I can't find my socks" She said, "They're behind the couch"

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means it's going to be up all night.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.

I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, 'Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it.'

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium"

I'm writing a book. I have the page numbers down...I just have to fill in the rest.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'Got any shoes you're not using?'

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours" He said, "Yes, but not in a row"

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that."

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises the baby makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.

They say you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone. I wanted to know what I had, so I got rid of everything.

Today I dialed a wrong number...The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"...They said, "Uh...I don't think so...he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, 'You have to put your two cents in?' Somebody's making a penny.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?