Woody Allen Quotations

Woody Allen

All men are mortal.
Socrates was mortal.
Therefore, all men are Socrates.

A stockbroker is someone who invests other people's money until it's all gone.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

He emerged from the hotel and walked up Eighth Avenue. Two men were mugging an elderly lady. "My God," thought Weinstein, "time was when one person could handle that job."

I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.

I must pause for one fast second and say a fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, and she said "No".

In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make it into television shows.

Intellectuals are like the Mafia, they only kill their own.

I turned quickly and asked her out for a date, but Peter O'Toole, who's in the movie, asked her out first -- aces me out -- and she was a beautiful girl, so I said to her "Could you bring a sister for me?", and she did: Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow night. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was extremely well adjusted, for an only child.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded, dead.

My mother used to say to me when I was younger, "If a strange man comes up to you, and offers you candy, and wants you to get into the back of his car with him...go".

My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.

Some guy hit my fender, and I said to him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.

When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.