At American weddings, the quality of food is inversely proportional to the social position of the bride and the groom.

Even today, well-brought-up English girls are taught by their mothers to boil all veggies for at least a month and a half, just in case one of the dinner guests turns up without his teeth.

I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.

If law school is so hard to get through . . . how come there are so many lawyers?

I like chili, but not enough to discuss it with someone from Texas.

I never eat in a restaurant that's over a hundred feet off the ground and won't stand still.

Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucine, but sharing the burden of finding the fettucine restaurant in the first place.

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

There is a theory that sooner or later anything in America that is any fun at all will be ruined by people from California.