Daniel Tosh Quotations

Daniel Tosh

I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Well, a few minutes later, I was on a plane and this little kid was kicking my seat repeatedly, while his sister sang along with her walkman and their mother just sat there. I almost turned around and went off, and then I caught sight of my bracelet. What WOULD Jesus do? So I lit them on fire and sent them all to Hell.

If "no" meant "no" then every man would die a virgin.

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery. Because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance -- fake.

I'm not honest, but you're interesting. (responding to "I'm not religious, I'm spiritual.")

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'