99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Adolescence is that time of life when you discover your ability to be depressed.

An opinion is what you have when you don't have any facts. When you have the facts, you don't need an opinion.

Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche -- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly true.

A politician's success is measured by his ability to get elected. If he's good at that, he doesn't have to be good at anything else.

A rumor proves nothing but your gullibility.

Cats aren't just snobs, they're Republicans. Dogs of course, are Democrats. They'll lick anyone's butt.

Don't push the on-button if you don't know where the off-button is.

Have all the opinions you want. They're free. Just don't confuse them with reality.

If a cat sits down on a hot stove, that's knowledge; it will never sit down on a hot stove again. But if it never sits down on a cold one either, that's belief.

If there was a reliable way by which people could accurately identify which seven out of ten lawyers were consistently unscrupulous, the other three would be out of work.

Independent thinking does not mean questioning other people's convictions. It means questioning your own.

Innocent men often need lawyers to protect themselves from those who are not so innocent.

Life is not about being comfortable. You want comfort? Try a grave. Nobody ever complained that his grave was uncomfortable.

Making an excuse is like masturbating -- it only satisfies you, nobody else.

My cats have opposable thumbs. They keep them on my hands.

No one ever survives adolescence. Not even teenagers. The best you can hope for is scars that don't show.

Nothing is as dangerous as an unemployed lawyer.

Reality is all that stuff that doesn't care if you believe in it or not.

The best place to look for evil is in the mirror.

The only perfection in the universe is death. Once you're perfectly dead, you stop making mistakes.

The real question is this -- what do you do with a skinned cat?

There are probably just as many dog people as cat people, but dog people don't insist on talking about their dogs all the time. Cat owners, of course, operate under the delusion that their cats are sending them secret telepathic commands, have no choice but to talk about cats to the point of oblivion.

What neither political party has ever learned is the most basic of all lessons: When you make someone else's character the issue, your own character becomes the issue too.

Yes, you can get pregnant from anal intercourse. Where do you think lawyers come from?

The most mysterious of the quotees, I wonder if he even exists, or is "he" just a nom de quote for someone. See: Here.