Always look out for number one and be careful not to step in number two.

I asked one girl if she was going to hate herself in the morning. She said, 'I hate myself now.'

If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

I remember one date I had, we ran into some guy she knew and she introduced us. She said, 'Steve, this is Rodney. Rodney, this is goodbye.'

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and finally gave up. I asked her, "What, you can't think of anybody either?"

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

My old man didn't help, either. One time I was kidnapped. They sent back a piece of my finger. He said he wanted more proof!

My old man, he was dumb too. He worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said, "Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."

When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!