A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, 'A truck!'

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy and he said 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh yeah? Why?' and I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming... They don't know I'm only using blanks.

I'm walking home from school and I'm watching some men build a new house. All of a sudden the guy hammering on the roof calls me a paranoid little weirdo. In Morse Code.

I ran three miles today, finally I said "Lady, take your purse."

I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky -- but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."

The toughest time... in anyone's life... is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked for forgiveness.