America is a country that doesn't know where it's going, but is determined to set a speed record getting there.

An optimist is one who makes the best of it when he gets the worst of it.

A sociologist is a scientist who blames crime on everything and everyone, except the person who commits it.

Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status.

By the time a man realizes that his father was usually right, he has a son who thinks he's usually wrong.

Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.

Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.

In every hierarchy, whether it be government or business, each employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence; every post tends to be filled by an employee incompetent to execute its duties.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish a reputation as an expert.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to believe.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

Psychiatry allows us to confess our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings.

Some problems are so complex that you have to be highly intelligent and well informed just to be undecided about them.

The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance.

There are always too many Democratic congressmen, too many Republican congressmen, and never enough U.S. congressmen.

There are two kinds of failures: those who thought and never did, and those who did and never thought.

Two can live as cheaply as one if they both have good jobs.

We are members of a strange species that devotes its energies to climbing the ladder of success in order to make money to buy things we don't like.

What troubles the poor is the money they can't get, and what troubles the rich is the money they can't keep.

When I want your opinion I'll give it to you.

You can always tell a real friend; when you've made a fool of yourself he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job.

You can flatter any man by telling him he's the kind of man who can't be flattered.