Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi! It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.'" Beep. "Uh, yeah . . . this is the VD clinic calling . . . Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.
I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
I don't want to hear a lot of whining -- so I'll shut up.
If you're a pallbearer, don't wear flip flops.
In my songs I pause for laughs ... and if there aren't any, I wait longer.
I've given away half of my stuff twice. How do I still own anything. (On divorce)
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes' -- 'For Cripes sake.' Who would that be; Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote . . . They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95. (into phone) "I'm not in the mood."