America: Where a man can say what he thinks, if he isn't afraid of his wife, his boss, his customer, his neighbors, or the government.

Appetizers are the little things you keep eating until you lose your appetite.

A simple fact that is hard to learn is that the time to save money is when you have some.

A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defense.

Childhood is that wonderful time when all you need to do to lose weight is take a bath.

Common sense could prevent most divorces; also a lot of marriages.

Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, and just before you realize what's wrong with it.

If your time hasn't come not even a doctor can kill you.

It has never been determined whether the early bird enjoys the worm as much as the late bird enjoys the extra sleep.

It's hard to say who gets criticized the most, the successful person, or the failure. But it's mighty close.

It's not hard to understand modern art. If it hangs on a wall it's a painting. If you have to walk around it, it's a sculpture.

It was Patrick Henry who said, 'Give me liberty or give me death'. Today, a lot of folks leave out the words liberty and death.

Marriage is like a dollar bill. You cannot spend half of it when you tear it in two. The value of one half depends upon the other.

Marriages are made in heaven, but people are responsible for the maintenance work.

Money is a strange thing. It ranks with love as our greatest source of joy, and with death as our greatest source of anxiety.

Prayer doesn't change things. Prayer changes people, and people change things.

The only thing some people do for themselves is feel sorry, and even then they like help.

You can't trust a promise someone makes while they're drunk, in love, hungry, or running for office.