Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

If the income tax is the price we have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much -- just an occasional sun visor.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (or George Burns)

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.

No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early.

Oh are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah? He used to live in whales for a while.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read.

There is only one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says 'yes' he's not honest.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Time wounds all heels.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And East is East and West is West and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste more like prunes than a rhubarb does.

Whatever it is, I'm against it!

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

You're only as young as the woman you feel.