A hypocrite is a person who -- but who isn't?

An idea is not responsible for the people who think it.

An optimist is a man who has never had much experience.

A pessimist is a person who has to listen to too many optimists.

A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.

Blood will tell, but often it tells too much.

Did you ever notice that when a politician does get an idea he usually gets it all wrong.

Fishing is a delusion entirely surrounded by liars in old clothes.

Happiness is the interval between periods of unhappiness.

Honesty is a good thing, but it is not profitable to its possessor unless it is kept under control.

Ideas pull the trigger but instinct loads the gun.

If a child shows himself to be incorrigible, he should be decently and quietly beheaded at the age of twelve, lest he grow to maturity, marry, and perpetuate his kind.

If you are not honest at all, everybody hates you, and if you are absolutely honest you get martyred.

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think, they'll hate you.

If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves.

Middle age is . . . when a man is always thinking that in a week or two he will feel just as good as ever.

Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Punctuality is one of the cardinal business virtues: always insist on it in your subordinates.

Some persons are likeable in spite of their unswerving integrity.

The chief obstacle to the progress of the human race is the human race.

We pay for the mistakes of our ancestors, and it seems only fair that they should leave us the money to pay with.

When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: Whose?