David Letterman Quotations

David Letterman

According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.

Am I just cynical, or does anyone else think Warren Beatty decided to have a child just so he could meet babysitters?

Are you getting a big kick out of the Enron scandal? I find this interesting that whenever a big crisis starts, people start showing up in church. So, Ken Lay shows up in church this weekend. Church officials are still looking for the collection plates.

A small handgun makes any TV remote control.

Election Day has become so commercialized that people forget it is about Jesus.

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

He's a very lucky man. He escapes the dictatorial reign of a ruthless tyrant and ends up working for George Steinbrenner. (On Orlando Hernandez)

I think somebody really ought to do the White House a favor. Explain to the White House staff members that there is a difference between "drug testing" and "testing drugs."

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

Police have arrested the man who was pictured throwing snowballs at Giants Stadium. If convicted, he may face six months in jail and a $1,000 fine. If it turns out he was under the influence of alcohol or drugs, he'll be signed by the Yankees.

Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

There's a restaurant here in New York City, in a hotel called the Parker Meridien ... and they're selling a $1,000 omelet ... and I'm thinking, well hell, if I want to spend $1,000 on a meal, I'll go to Yankee Stadium.

Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

USA Today has come out with a new survey -- apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.