Jay Leno Quotations

Jay Leno

According to a CBS news poll, 66 percent of Americans cannot name a single Democratic candidate running for president. The other 34 percent are Democratic candidates.

A Nebraska man has been arrested for stealing a Greyhound bus, getting drunk, and trying to crash into his ex-wife's trailer home because he thought she was cheating on him. This could be the first time ever that a crime gets nominated for a country music award.

A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers!

As you know President Bush is on a tour of Europe. He says he's hoping to see the whole country.

As you know, U.S. military forces [attacked] the city of Fallujah. A French military strategist said today that the attack won't resolve anything. Of course, people are shocked. A French "military strategist"? What the heck is that? Is this the first one?

Do you know what week this is in our public schools? I'm not making this up: This week is National No Name-Calling Week. They don't want any name-calling in our public schools. What stupid dork came up with this idea?

Do you think Congress should get involved in this steroid thing? That's a great idea, especially when you consider how well the government has been able to control all the other drugs in this country. This should be easy.

Enron is now officially out of the energy business. They are now in a new business: confetti.

Former president Bill Clinton says he's coming here to Califormia to help Governor Gray Davis in his recall election campaign, which is ironic, isn't it? When Clinton was president, he couldn't recall anything.

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.

General Mills is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn't that called a sponge?

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Hillary has called for a Senate inquiry to review the credibility of the intelligence used to justify the war and if people were misled. And if there's one thing the Clintons won't stand for, it's misleading the American people.

Howard Dean is out trying to rally the Democrats for 2008. He said that the Democrats have to stop "speaking down to voters." And then John Kerry said, "I can't do that. What's the point of being better than everyone else if you can't talk down to them?"

I don't want to say Howard Dean's Internet campaign was disappointing, but today Al Gore said he's sorry he ever invented that Internet thing.

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

I just hope what Janet did at halftime [at the Super Bowl] doesn't, in any way, tarnish the good name of the Jackson family.

In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.

In Houston this week they had an auction for Enron. They sold all kinds of things that were once property of Enron. Lots of good deals -- in fact I picked up 2 senators and a congressman. Hell of a deal.

Iraq agreed "in principle" to destroy their missiles. You know why they said "in principle"? It sounds better than "in your dreams".

It is now being reported that Saddam Hussein executed all his economic advisers. Today Bush said, "You can do that?"

It looks like Howard Dean is doing worse than expected in Wisconsin, which is pretty bad considering he was expected to have to drop out of the race. Now what? Is he being deported?

It's Christmas time! You know what people in Beverly Hills call the man who brings gifts once a year? Daddy!

John Kerry's victory over Howard Dean (in the Iowa caucus) has completely changed the presidential race around. Now instead of the rich white guy from Yale who lives in the White House facing off against the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Vermont, he may have to face the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Massachusetts. It's a whole different game.

John Kerry was giving a big speech about the environment and a reporter asked him if he owned a SUV and he said, "No I do not." And then the reporter asked him "What about the Chevy Suburban in the driveway?" He said "That's my wife's." Thanks for clearing that up. Thank God it's not politics as usual.

Last night President Bush talked about Iraq. He said Iraq is about the size of California. The big difference, though, is that more people in Iraq speak English than here in California.

Madonna said that we should pull all of our troops out of Iraq. Donald Rumsfeld said, "No, I think we'd better wait and hear what Britney Spears has to say about it first."

Many experts feel that an outbreak of smallpox would be disastrous in the United States. President Bush said today that we must stop smallpox before it becomes bigpox.

Most guys in Hollywood have one car and, like, 80 girlfriends. I have 80 cars and one girl, and it's cheaper.

On the front page of the L.A. Times today they reported that the World Health Organization now says that smoking is worse for you than what was first thought. We used to think it could kill you -- now what? Does it stomp on your head when you die?

Pete Rose admits he used to date cocktail waitresses, groupies, and strippers. I don't know if this will get him into the Hall of Fame, but he's now the leading candidate for the Democratic nomination.

President Bush has just one question for the American voters: is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were 4 years ago?

President Bush said he would further loosen the immigration laws. And of course, people are shocked: "What, we have immigration laws? When did that start?"

Richard Reid, the convicted shoe bomber got life in prison yesterday. In court he spoke out about his beliefs. He made it clear that he is an enemy of America, he is a disciple of Osama bin Laden and he would destroy America at any chance he could get. Or as they call that in the Arab countries -- "a moderate".

Saudi Arabia says they compiled a list of all the known terrorists in Saudi Arabia. I think that's called the phone book.

Scientists now say if you want your Christmas tree to last longer and look better, put vodka in the base. Isn't that a waste? Giving your tree vodka to make it look better? I say drink the vodka yourself and then everything will look better.

Some members of Congress now are complaining they are underpaid. They want to propose a pay raise. You can't blame them. A lot of them took a big income hit when Enron folded.

That's an interesting combination, isn't it? Country and rap? What would you call that? Crap, I guess.

The big story today: Las Vegas got three inches of snow. It's official, hell is freezing over.

The National Science Society has announced that 70% of Americans do not understand science. The other 30% do not understand what 70% means.

The President and Laura Bush sent out a record 2 million Christmas cards this year. President Clinton only sent half a million Christmas cards. To be fair, President Clinton did send out nearly 5 million Valentine cards.

The reason there are two Senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

There's a new book out now that lists all the foreign countries that hate or resent the United States. It's called the World Atlas.

There's a new report saying that the disease that President Franklin Roosevelt had may not have been polio. How bad was his HMO? Getting the test results back 58 years after you're dead. "Good news Mr. President, you might not have had polio."

The town of Bloomfield, New Jersey, was holding a lottery to determine who would get a flu shot. It's terrible. And the winner doesn't even get the flu shot all at once. It's injected very slowly, once a year for 25 years.

The United States announced a plan that will tighten all borders by 2008. Mexico announced a plan to have all their people here by 2007.

The United States have developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It's called the stock market.

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.

This summer Microsoft is going to introduce the first portable toilet with Internet access. You know why it's the first? Because nobody wants a toilet with Internet access. What is that? Is that really the future? Remember, we thought it would be flying cars, now it's an outhouse you can plug in.

Today NBC fired pinhead Peter Arnett. He gave an interview on Iraqi television criticizing the U.S. military and saying our battle plan was all wrong. The good news is, after he said that, today he was given an honorary Oscar.

Today there are more overweight people in America than there are average weight people. So, overweight people are now average. Good news... you've already met your New Year's resolution!

Two America West pilots were arrested for being drunk! Everyone was shocked -- airport screeners stopped someone! The pilots were five times the legal limit! Five times! My question is why is there a legal limit for pilots? Shouldn't it be zero?

Vice President Dick Cheney attacked John Kerry saying that he "lacks deeply held convictions". Today Kerry shot back, "That's not completely true.

[W]e really don't have leaders who speak as well as Ronald Reagan anymore. He had a simple direct way of telling you something. Like when he just came out and called the Soviet Union "the evil empire" you knew what he meant. Can you imagine Bush trying to do that? You know he'd screw it up, he'd say something like "we have to defeat the medieval vampire.

When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn't think they were all going to be tax collectors.

You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.