A yawn is nature's way of giving the person listening to a bore an opportunity to open his mouth.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up -- they have no holidays.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!

I was just in London -- there is a 6--hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

Many a man thinks he has an open mind, when it's merely vacant.

Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

My grandson, 22 years old, keeps complaining about headaches, I've told him a thousand times, Larry, when you get out of bed, it's feet first.

The reason some people become old before their time is because they had a time before they got old.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

Two guys in a gym, one putting on a girdle. One guys says, 'Since when have you been wearing a girdle?' Other guy says, 'Since my wife found it in the glove compartment of our car.'

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.