Phyllis Diller Quotations

Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, "Who could have done this? We have no enemies."

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.

I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men -- I'm sick of karate.

I never made Who's Who but I'm featured in What's That.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

My husband took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.

My mother-in-law had a pain below her left breast. Turned out to be a bad knee.

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age -- as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three dollar pantyhose that won't run.