An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last installment missing.

Fashion is what you adopt when you don't know who you are.

If you describe things as better than they are, you are considered to be a romantic; if you describe things as worse than they are, you will be called a realist; and if you describe things exactly as they are, you will be thought of as a satirist.

It's no good running a pig farm badly for thirty years while saying, "Really I was meant to be a ballet dancer." By that time, pigs will be your style.

There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse.

The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.

The young always have the same problem -- how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying each other.

Though intelligence is powerless to modify character, it is a dab hand at finding euphemisms for its weaknesses.

We are nothing. Every morning you should say to yourself, preferably aloud: "I am nothing, I deserve nothing," and after that, everything else is just a bonus!

You have to put up with about four years of disgrace when you receive Christmas cards and do not send them, but after that, you know the people who send you Christmas cards are doing it to please you and that they don't expect a reply.

You should treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.