A word to the wise ain't necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice.

Calvin (Klein) is the slick operator who sells your kids things for eighty-five dollars that cost seven at Sears. He has created millions of tiny snobs, children who look disdainfully at you and say, "Nothing from Sears."

Even General Patton would have lacked the courage to give his mother soap-on-a-rope.

Except for the cost of the child, which my lead you to consider joining organized crime, fathering is easier today than it was when I began.

First you say it, then you do it. (describing car accidents)

He is in a fine school now with four teachers for every child -- two in front and two in back.

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it.

If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.

I recently turned fifty, which is young for a tree, midlife for an elephant, and ancient for a quarter miler, whose son now says, "Dad, I just can't run the quarter with you anymore unless I bring something to read."

Ladies and gentlemen, the lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal. These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids - $500 sneakers for what? And they won't spend $200 for 'Hooked on Phonics.'

Mothers who have experience in the trenches of family warfare are sometimes even driven to what I call anticipatory parenting. They ask a child a question, he tries to answer, and they say, "You shut up! When I ask you a question, you keep your mouth shut! You think I'm talking to hear myself talk? Answer me!"

Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.

The greatest advantage of top volume was that I couldn't hear the grownups when they came in to tell me to turn that crap down.

The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.

There is something about babyness that brings out the softness in people and makes them want to hug and protect this small thing that moves and dribbles and produces what we poetically call poopoo.

The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

They're standing on the corner and they can't speak English. I can't even talk the way these people talk: 'Why you ain't.' 'Where you is.' ... And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk. And then I heard the father talk. ... Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. ... You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth!

To be fair, however, I must admit that from time to time children do like to share with siblings. For example, once in a while a brother will try to remove his sister's arm so he can play with it.

We were well prepared for natural childbirth, which means that no drugs can be given to the female during delivery. The father, however, can have all he wants.