A house is just a pile of stuff with a cover on it.

Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Imagine meeting your maker and finding out it's Frito-Lay.

In Los Angeles, there's a hotline for people in denial. So far no-one has called.

In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who "don't know." What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Masturbation: Shaking hands with the unemployed.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: I'm such a klutz! But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.

There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count, and those who cannot.

Those nicotine patches seem to work pretty well, but I understand it's kind of hard to keep 'em lit.

We are all precancerous.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Would you really want to get on a non-stop flight?