[A] bar is not usually the best place for a woman to find her ideal mate, unless, perhaps, she's hoping to land an alcoholic. But men think bars are perfect, because the longer they stay there the wittier they feel.

[A]dministering a pill to a dog is like trying to give a root canal to a great white shark. The process starts with opening the medicine bottle, which alerts the dog that the games are about to begin. She sits upright, ears cocked, lips slightly drawn back to remind me that she has relatives in Africa who are pulling down water buffalo.

A father rarely catches his teenagers doing their homework; a zookeeper has a better chance of witnessing the birth of a panda. This is because fathers expect a teenage girl's studies will contain certain elements, such as concentration, purpose, and resolve. In a teenager, these are usually replaced with procrastination, impatience, and conversation.

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? (Simple Rule 7 for dating his daughter)

At eight o'clock, mindful of the fact that Santa has put an unassembled "Barbie Dream House" in my garage, I start hinting to the children that they should think about going to bed. At this point, they are jumping on the sofas like caffeinated monkeys, as sleepy as electricity. I wonder why Santa didn't have the foresight to bring me a tranquilizer gun. (describing Christmas Eve)

Back in the living room, my wife was snarling at her own hair. Women can do this. When a man makes his hair angry, it leaves.

Dating is the process during which two people share stress, awkwardness, and disappointment in order to determine the degree by which they need to lower their standards.

Food at a theme park is so expensive it would be cheaper to just eat your own money. Your son's meal costs a day's pay and consists of items manufactured of corn syrup, which is sugar, sucrose, which is sugar, fructose, which is sugar, and sugar, which is sugar. He also consumes large quantities of what in dog food would be called "meat by-products." When, after another couple of rides, he announces that he feels like he is going to throw up, you're very alarmed -- having seen his meal once, you're in no mood to see it again.

Having a child mutate into a teenager is a bit like being an airline passenger who must suddenly take over for a stricken pilot and land the plane. And in this case, the passengers are all yelling, "I hate you! I hate you!" and slamming the door to the cockpit.

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist. (Simple Rule 3 for dating his daughter)

I am very well acquainted with studying; my roommate in college used to do it all the time.

I don't recall ever having expressed an interest in kayaking. Any activity that requires the participants to wear a helmet and a life jacket is plainly something in which I should not be involved. In fact, I pretty much avoid all sports which cannot be played while holding a hot dog.

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up. (Simple Rule 1 for dating his daughter)

I have always felt that cats prefer the company of women, while canines prefer the company of anyone with a dog treat in their pocket.

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry. (Simple Rule 6 for dating his daughter)

I'm also blessed with a superb athletic ability, so that even though I go a decade without setting foot on a tennis court, when I pick up a racket I'm instantly as good as when I played for the very first time.

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you. (Simple Rule 4 for dating his daughter)

In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." (Simple Rule 5 for dating his daughter)

I pad down the stairs to my daughter's bedroom. Every light is on and her stereo is blaring, sure signs that she's not home.

It is as convenient and practical for a man and woman to share a bathroom as it is for them to share the same strand of dental floss; whether they do it simultaneously or sequentially, at least one of the two people is going to be less happy with the experience.

I've been called "America's best humorist working today" which means that someone has a pretty loose definition of the word "working."

Johnson! That rat. You know the type. His Christmas decorations are never up past the middle of January. Every weekend he is out hammering, mowing, and painting, always whistling as he walks around with the list his wife prepared for him, producing such a racket I can barely nap!

Married men check their reflections by looking at their wives.

Men believe the primary purpose of talking is to communicate information, and that information is, "I'm important."

Much to the delight of the squirrels in my neighborhood, I have hung a birdfeeder just outside my back window.

[My daughters] seem incensed that I will occasionally dig a finger deep into my ear, rooting around, and then look at whatever I've extracted. They take me to task for this all the time, but come on, do you really suppose I would pull something out of my ear and not want to see what it was?

One of my more effective parental strategies is to make Lists of Rules to be Obeyed And I Really Mean it This Time, and post these articles on the refrigerator in the kitchen so my children will have a written record of what they are ignoring.

People who stop me on the street to admire the finely sculpted muscles under my shirt, which happens never, usually ask me if I spend a lot of time at the gym. I do spend a lot of time at the gym. I go nearly every day, a habit I've maintained for several years now...I don't mind sharing with you the secrets to establishing a regular exercise routine: 1) Always stick to the same schedule, picking an hour when you'd normally be doing something even less pleasant, like work, and 2) when you get there, spend all of your time in the steam room.

Portland is a city in both Maine and Oregon. Driving across town must be brutal.

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. (Simple Rule 8 for dating his daughter)

The gurgle of the small creek outside the tent walls speaks to my internal waters like a pack of wild dogs calling to a domesticated cousin. "Join us. Run with us. Be free."

There are two settings in a sleeping bag: "too hot", and "too cold".

Though a man may know nothing about a topic, he nonetheless believes he knows more about it than you do.

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. (Simple Rule 2 for dating his daughter)

You gaze out the window, another victim of road apathy. All around you, people are phoning, faxing, and e-mailing, more productive in their vehicles than you are in your office.

Your newest project is to re-write the translation of a German technical manual. It needs to be done this afternoon. The translation was completed by a new software program that your IT department admits "has a few bugs." You start to work on the first sentence. "Your new Zlecko 90 has over two hundred potatoes which MUST be poured with sexual protuberances on the occasion of redressing the flimsy," it says. You ponder whether to tweak the wording or if this makes enough sense as it is.