By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Gracie might have been the star on the stage, in the movies, and on radio, but in the living room, where it really counted, I was the star.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring closeknit family in another city.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

I'd announced that I was going to sing and all our guests would make a ring around the piano. But somehow I'd manage to fight my way through that ring and sing anyway.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair.

When we were all starting out every cheap joke was told about Scotsmen. By the late 1930s they were all told about Jack Benny. So in about eight years that character was so successful that he succeeded in wiping out the entire country of Scotland.