A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

A great many people have come up to me and asked me how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated. My answer is "Don't you wish you knew?"

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony.

I do most of my work sitting down; that's where I shine.

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

One evening I had been working late in my laboratory fooling round with some gin and other chemicals.

Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of dying, he sings.

There may be said to be two classes of people in the world: those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes, and those who do not.

The secret of my incredible energy and efficiency in getting work done is a simple one. I have based it very deliberately on a well-known psychological principle...anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.