A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.

California is a fine place to live, if you happen to be an orange.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

My agent gets ten percent of everything I get, except my blinding headaches.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own hand.

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

When you get through all the phony tinsel of Hollywood, you find the genuine tinsel underneath.

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a firefly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.